Demon, make me realize the Guilt.
God's Help.
10/1/20252 min read
I start my days imagining her beside me in the early light. But now, I want this to become a ritual—a moment of confession and hope. Yes, asking for forgiveness is what I’m going to do, each dawn a prayer.
Every time I step into something new—leaving a job or joining another—I ache to message her. Starting a business felt hollow without sharing it, and moving to Hyderabad made me crave her smile even more. Rejecting marriage proposals for her left me haunted by the silence in her eyes. Making a website, adding every photo—I wanted her to see me evolving, to see us.
I sometimes feel like I used these stories as emotional blackmail, broadcasting my sacrifices when we weren’t even in communication. I thought sharing my rejections would prove my love, but it only revealed my selfishness and desperate need for her attention.
Even today, I want to message her, to bridge this void with words. But I don’t, swallowing the urge like bitter medicine. I hold on to the hope that one day, when she’s healed, she will message me first.
The show Lucifer keeps echoing in my mind, its words searing into my heart. I write this blog—“Demon, make me realize the Guilt”—hoping to banish the weight within. That line came from Dan’s return from hell, searching for the guilt that traps him in loops. He’s a soul on Earth, unable to speak to those he loves, and I feel my torment mirrored in his.
So today, I search for that guilt in myself, trembling at the thought. I hope I can find it, name it, and finally release it.
First, the guilt that I didn’t truly love her as she deserved. Do I love her? Or don’t I? The question twists inside me. I wanted her to complete me—never pausing to consider her healing or her voice.
For so many days, I spoke only of my pain, my dreams, my failures. I never paused to ask about her heart, her fears, her hopes. I painted our love in my colors alone, never inviting her brushstroke.
She once suggested trading goods between India and China, daring leaps across borders. When it didn’t happen, she never blamed us—she held onto her dignity. She dreamed of a home in Hyderabad and argued for it gently. But she waited for my hand to meet hers, and my selfish hesitation never reached her.
My guilt is this: I was selfish from the beginning—clutching my desires, ignoring hers. I regret it with every breath, and I want her to know how deeply I mourn my blind spots. But like Dan in Lucifer, I cannot voice these regrets directly; my soul is tethered by silence.
God has a plan, I believe, even when I cannot follow its path. So here I am, asking: remove selfishness from my soul and hollow out space for genuine love. I offer you my time—my only currency—to spend on her healing and happiness. I cannot fulfill every dream she held for us, but I can honor her peace in unexpected ways.
Please watch over me and grant me forgiveness. I miss her deeply—in her laughter, in her calm, in her presence. I trust she must miss her love too, and I wait with hope that her first message will come.
LISTEN
I told my heart, "Go and bring happiness to me." The innocent heart brought me sorrow—well then, let me accept sorrow.
Where does the poor heart know what pain is, what emptiness is? Compared to all the joy in the world, my sorrow is more comforting.
I never found joy in celebrations; I found pleasure only in sorrow.
Sometimes there is the light of love, sometimes the darkness of death. Tell me, what disguise should I wear? Should I become a saint or a thief?
This heart has many faces. Who knows which one is truly mine?
There were thousands of miles I set out to travel, but the paths kept moving forward, and I was left behind.
I walked only a few steps and then began circling around your thoughts.
I told my heart, "Go and bring happiness to me." The innocent heart brought me sorrow—well then, let me accept sorrow.
I have no grouse against a life without you
But a life without you is hardly a life
Wish we could tread our journey with your steps
Pick our destinations afresh and walk someplace else, far far away
When you walk along with me
There’s no dearth of places to be
And though I have no grouse against a life without you…
All I wish to do is seek refuge in your embrace
And keep crying; keep crying
Aren’t those tears too that I detect in the moistness of your eyes –
A life without your is hardly any life
If you say so the moon will not set tonight
Say it – Stop this night
It’s just the matter of the night, there isn't much left in life without you
I have no grouse against a life without you
But a life without you is hardly any life
You alone… Without you, how could I live? Come to me, don’t let me ache like this.
My life, come and breathe within me. Like the moon, descend onto the ground of my heart.
If you love me, come and meet me — or else, take me from this earth entirely.
These breaths are restless, they whisper that wherever you walk, I should lay my eyes like a path beneath your feet.
I would give up my life from the heights of mountains if you did not come.
My hope, my world, my life and my death — I have placed them all in your hands.
I have broken every bond for your sake. Call me a hundred times, and a hundred times I will come.
Even tears taste sweet when they fall for you.
O naïve bird,
come back home..
come back home..
why do you wander country-country (in such bad shape)
why is your condition so bad, all tired-lost
why do you wander this country to that
you (have become) a nomad of nights..
a hundred pains are spread on the body,
clothes of all compassion are dirty..
(guess that means, all the sources of compassion are not there for you right now)
however much you cut the winds with your wings,
you'll not be able to fend yourself from yourself..
break the skies and burn the worlds,
but you can't hide yourself,
whatever path you take,
you are homeless (out there)
you will come to your home only..
O crow, I have so much of request to you, eat (my body's) flesh,
but do not eat my eyes, don't eat my eyes as I have a wish to see my lover..
If you are mine, I’m surprised that I never asked for anything
If you are mine, Why does it feel like I’ve gotten everything
For you are mine
I don’t ask for anything from this world
And if you’re not
I don’t want to live in this world
And in my visions
There’s a place where you and I are together now
And no one else is there
But you and I, oh
And you’ll come, you’ll come
Are our paths intertwined like this?
And if you’d cross paths with me
I’ll fall madly in love with you
And you’ll come, you’ll come
Are our paths intertwined like this?
And even if you don’t cross the paths with me
I’ll still want you the same
For you are mine
I don’t ask for anything from this world
You ask
What I see in you
When there’s a lot of things to see around me today
You don’t know
Yourself, no idea why
See yourself from my eyes please
Please see, please see
Beneath the hair, how beneath the hair
Your lovely smile hides beneath the hair
And your eyes go down and then up
So what do I do? I’ve lost already
Your lips, your lips
By which you give me lovely names
And about your heart, and about your heart
What can be said? How wonderful they are!
And yes, look here
How two hearts are walking down the aisle
But is it a clear sky
Or a rainy day again?
Even if your day is rainy
I’d still want to be with you, do you know that?
I’d not ask for anything else for
You’re mine
Stranger, you too sometimes call out from somewhere
I’m living here in pieces
You are also living in fragments
Stranger, call out to me from somewhere
Day after day, the silky breeze whispers
“Tell me” Where is that pure, innocent bloom?
Where is that light?
Where is that life?
I remain incomplete, and so do you
Wanderer, wanderer, foreigner Wanderer, wanderer, foreigner
You’re not here, yet your smiles linger
Your face is nowhere to be seen
But your footsteps still echo
Where are you, where have you gone?
Where is your trace?
Where is my world?
I remain incomplete, and so do you
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone
Love was when I loved you
One true time I'd hold to
In my life, we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on (why does the heart go on?)
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart and
My heart will go on and on