Realization - My Apololgy !!
Blog post description.
8/27/20252 min read
Some truths are so heavy they bend the spine. Mine has bent me for a long time, but tonight, I place it here. Not to ask for sympathy. Not to rewrite the past. But to give her the apology she deserves.
I did not love her. No excuse. No explanation. No reason will make that truth smaller. If I was careless, it was because I did not love her. If I was reckless, it was because I did not love her. If I was the man she once called an asshole, it was because I did not love her.
And yet — she loved me. She loved me in ways I never deserved.
In the cups she bought so we could share quiet mornings. In the meals she cooked when my hunger was more than food could fix. In the money she gave without hesitation, as if my needs were always worth her sacrifice. In the way her heart cracked when the ring she cared for so much was damaged — a tear I watched fall without knowing how to hold it.
Her love was very loud, but it was constant. I only ever stood in its warmth; I never built a fire for her in return.
She tried to teach me what it means to be a man. A man who honors the weight of a woman’s sacrifices. But I was selfish. I asked God for her without once asking self if being with me makes her happy? The truth is, I have never loved anyone in my life — not her, not my parents, not anyone. And now, I am paying the price for that emptiness.
They say even when two people are meant for each other, God separates them for some time — not out of cruelty, but to bring realization. This is my season of realization. And the cost is unbearably high.
She had a vision for us — marriage, children, a home, made of shared mornings and endless evenings in each other’s arms. I destroyed it, not with betrayal, but with absence. With the silence of a heart that could not give back what it received.
I know this apology cannot rebuild what I burned down. I cannot change the past. But I can promise this: I will carry my apology until I am ash, and in every prayer I make, I will ask for her happiness — even if it blooms far away from me.
My love — I am sorry. For every gesture I took without returning. For every dream I let fall without catching it. For not becoming the man you deserved when you were already the woman I should have cherished.
If forgiveness ever comes, it will be your gift to give. But whether it comes or not, my repentance is eternal.
LISTEN
I told my heart, "Go and bring happiness to me." The innocent heart brought me sorrow—well then, let me accept sorrow.
Where does the poor heart know what pain is, what emptiness is? Compared to all the joy in the world, my sorrow is more comforting.
I never found joy in celebrations; I found pleasure only in sorrow.
Sometimes there is the light of love, sometimes the darkness of death. Tell me, what disguise should I wear? Should I become a saint or a thief?
This heart has many faces. Who knows which one is truly mine?
There were thousands of miles I set out to travel, but the paths kept moving forward, and I was left behind.
I walked only a few steps and then began circling around your thoughts.
I told my heart, "Go and bring happiness to me." The innocent heart brought me sorrow—well then, let me accept sorrow.
I have no grouse against a life without you
But a life without you is hardly a life
Wish we could tread our journey with your steps
Pick our destinations afresh and walk someplace else, far far away
When you walk along with me
There’s no dearth of places to be
And though I have no grouse against a life without you…
All I wish to do is seek refuge in your embrace
And keep crying; keep crying
Aren’t those tears too that I detect in the moistness of your eyes –
A life without your is hardly any life
If you say so the moon will not set tonight
Say it – Stop this night
It’s just the matter of the night, there isn't much left in life without you
I have no grouse against a life without you
But a life without you is hardly any life
You alone… Without you, how could I live? Come to me, don’t let me ache like this.
My life, come and breathe within me. Like the moon, descend onto the ground of my heart.
If you love me, come and meet me — or else, take me from this earth entirely.
These breaths are restless, they whisper that wherever you walk, I should lay my eyes like a path beneath your feet.
I would give up my life from the heights of mountains if you did not come.
My hope, my world, my life and my death — I have placed them all in your hands.
I have broken every bond for your sake. Call me a hundred times, and a hundred times I will come.
Even tears taste sweet when they fall for you.
O naïve bird,
come back home..
come back home..
why do you wander country-country (in such bad shape)
why is your condition so bad, all tired-lost
why do you wander this country to that
you (have become) a nomad of nights..
a hundred pains are spread on the body,
clothes of all compassion are dirty..
(guess that means, all the sources of compassion are not there for you right now)
however much you cut the winds with your wings,
you'll not be able to fend yourself from yourself..
break the skies and burn the worlds,
but you can't hide yourself,
whatever path you take,
you are homeless (out there)
you will come to your home only..
O crow, I have so much of request to you, eat (my body's) flesh,
but do not eat my eyes, don't eat my eyes as I have a wish to see my lover..
If you are mine, I’m surprised that I never asked for anything
If you are mine, Why does it feel like I’ve gotten everything
For you are mine
I don’t ask for anything from this world
And if you’re not
I don’t want to live in this world
And in my visions
There’s a place where you and I are together now
And no one else is there
But you and I, oh
And you’ll come, you’ll come
Are our paths intertwined like this?
And if you’d cross paths with me
I’ll fall madly in love with you
And you’ll come, you’ll come
Are our paths intertwined like this?
And even if you don’t cross the paths with me
I’ll still want you the same
For you are mine
I don’t ask for anything from this world
You ask
What I see in you
When there’s a lot of things to see around me today
You don’t know
Yourself, no idea why
See yourself from my eyes please
Please see, please see
Beneath the hair, how beneath the hair
Your lovely smile hides beneath the hair
And your eyes go down and then up
So what do I do? I’ve lost already
Your lips, your lips
By which you give me lovely names
And about your heart, and about your heart
What can be said? How wonderful they are!
And yes, look here
How two hearts are walking down the aisle
But is it a clear sky
Or a rainy day again?
Even if your day is rainy
I’d still want to be with you, do you know that?
I’d not ask for anything else for
You’re mine
Stranger, you too sometimes call out from somewhere
I’m living here in pieces
You are also living in fragments
Stranger, call out to me from somewhere
Day after day, the silky breeze whispers
“Tell me” Where is that pure, innocent bloom?
Where is that light?
Where is that life?
I remain incomplete, and so do you
Wanderer, wanderer, foreigner Wanderer, wanderer, foreigner
You’re not here, yet your smiles linger
Your face is nowhere to be seen
But your footsteps still echo
Where are you, where have you gone?
Where is your trace?
Where is my world?
I remain incomplete, and so do you
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone
Love was when I loved you
One true time I'd hold to
In my life, we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on (why does the heart go on?)
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart and
My heart will go on and on